dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
