Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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