is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
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