I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
