Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
