Please, let me fuck your mom
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
