i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
