when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
