So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Randomize
