I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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