note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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