hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
