I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
