So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
