So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
my being single is dangerous.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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