I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
