Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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