I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
