So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
