Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
