wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
