i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
