It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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