Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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