Please don't use social media to get back at me.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
you never un-have a 4some
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
