Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
