I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
