I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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