Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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