I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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