Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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