new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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