Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
