Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
