So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Help. Why am I so naked?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
