I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Randomize
