This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
