The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Randomize
