I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
