So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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