We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
