My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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