that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
