Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
