if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
