I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
