You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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