just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
