I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
