Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
