I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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