he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
