Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
