I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
