I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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